Greetings O beloved ones!
I have
I dive deeply into topics but sometimes I am swept away with the current or become entangled in weeds, which requires instant backpedalling and mad clean up skills.
Often diving deeply is pure bliss and relaxes me. But if I try to do it in too many areas, I become overwhelmed, either timewise or energywise.
I need to curate my brain. Corral it into certain areas only. So much and no more brain!
Of course the internet, with its ultimate diveability, is my heaven and my nemesis. How easy to get lost in rabbit holes of information which whirl and swirl in my brain all night, causing sleepless overload as I try to process it all.
I adore disappearing into knowledge and ideas but it isn't really practical with a family to look after. I am pretty grumpy and/or emotional when I lose sleep.
Having to keep a household running and make sure everyone is eating well, closes the door on romantic lifestyles sacrificing all for the pursuit of knowledge or art!
Of course sometimes the brain wins and I can't sleep, hence writing this at the crack of dawn after four hours sleep!
So after diving too deep and almost becoming submerged, I tell myself no more, and do extreme clean up measures to try and restore balance, only to find I've swung too far the other way and have nothing to chew on, causing boredom or worse, allowing my brain to invent things to worry about...not a good place to be.
So I need just enough busyness for my brain to keep ticking over, but not too much to cause overload and derailing. Difficult balance for an intense prone mind.
I am always assessing, can I reduce more online interactions? Just like with my wardrobe. I have a cull and feel all light and free, then start getting bored and start shopping again, only to have to start the cycle of purging once more.
Is this a natural and healthy cycle or one I need to stop?
Should I just admit my intensity and be done with it, or learn to curb it?
I also think my sensitivity to what others think has coloured what I do and why.
For example, I often feel guilty if people comment on my blog, when I don't reciprocate on theirs. It just feels rude. So I run around like a headless chook, collecting bloggers and building up my readers, then find I can't sustain it and have to drop them all like a stone.
I would love to be a person who doesn't feel other's feelings and just could stand alone.
How relieving that would be!
A couple of practical ideas I'm trying:
Using tabs to curtail my deep diving. As I open my emails in the morning, or read blog articles or facebook posts that look interesting, I export all the links into my browser in a limited number of tabs.
This gives me a visual representation of how much my mind is taking in. I then walk through them during the day, closing them as I read them. By using this technique I'm hoping to allow myself depth but not too much breadth; to keep a reasonable limit on my reading and researching and interacting.
This gives me a visual representation of how much my mind is taking in. I then walk through them during the day, closing them as I read them. By using this technique I'm hoping to allow myself depth but not too much breadth; to keep a reasonable limit on my reading and researching and interacting.
This means my reading is meaningful and not just rubbish online eye candy...not that eye candy doesn't have its place, and sometimes I feel I should utilise it more!
Before I open an app on ipad, I hesitate and ask if my brain wants the stimulation right now. Am I seeking new ideas and experiences right now, or am I just going through the motions or feeling guilty or trying to distract myself.
Before I open an app on ipad, I hesitate and ask if my brain wants the stimulation right now. Am I seeking new ideas and experiences right now, or am I just going through the motions or feeling guilty or trying to distract myself.
Some thoughts I have aired in other spaces:
This was in response to a post about an idea of enlightenment being like climbing a mountain.
Yes, I would concur, the sense of awareness of the presence of the mountain has encouraged me in my climb. Although sometimes I feel it might be a mirage and I'm just hanging in midair!
This article and Dabrowski's theory are helping me put a positive spin on my years of yearning and searching. Maybe I haven't been spinning in place, maybe just maybe I have started to climb.
When surrounded by others who try to be supportive but look in puzzlement at your detailed questions, or who gently patronise your frenzied angst, it is hard to feel you are on the road to enlightenment.
I do think my inner drive has helped me persevere. And my ability to see things from multiple angles helps me try again.
I must admit most of my work has involved counselling to find out why I am broken, which I now disagree with. I wonder if it led in an upward direction, or if I just stood at the base of the mountain digging a hole in my navel!
I have recently had some lovely conversations with readers who are on a similar path. This is so encouraging to me, as that is the exact reason I air my dirty laundry in public. Maybe I have a few insights that can save someone else time on the journey.
I hope so.
keep on creating!
Love
Jazzy Jack
Oh Jaq, as usual I can relate to much of this. I am very similar although also different in some ways too that feel sort of like they are parallel. Kind of like walking the same road but one of us looking to the left and one to the right. That might be a terrible analogy but I do love analogies. I always have several tabs open on my laptop and about three books beside me. Sometimes my brain is all over the place and I can't focus on any of them. That really frustrates me. I am craving intellectual conversations with very small groups of people on topics of interest to me. I am not getting this need met and I get frustrated and the dark place I tend to go to is rather misanthropic. I've not had much therapy though what I have had has been due to a bad marriage and trying to figure that out. I suppose in that sense, because it was emotionally abusive I was trying to fix myself then because he was telling me that I was broken and I believed him. I'm well over that but I am still struggling to find people I fit with and not to feel negatively towards the ones I don't.
ReplyDeleteAs always, it's interesting to read about your journey and to know that many of us are on one. xoxo
It always surprises me how sane and positive you are after all you've been through!
DeleteI'm sorry you feel a need that isn't being filled. I feel a similar need especially around crafts. So I fill it by listening to podcasts. It is better than nothing.
I have enjoyed our interactions. That feels to me like sitting together discussing!
xo Jazzy Jack
I enjoy them too. I am so in need of people similar but not identical. I'm often praised for being positive though nobody has ever praised my sanity before, so thanks. I am a strange mix of optimistic misanthrope. LOL Oh, and clumsy. But there is nothing to but carry on and carry on marvelously. The best revenge is living well, right? Eleven weeks until my life gets even better! xoxo
DeleteOoh teaser! Naughty, naughty! xo Jazzy Jack
DeleteThere's no blueprint, is there? For managing our thoughts and feelings. All we can do is try and work out what is most helpful for us and brings us happiness, balancing our various needs, delights and stresses. You'll find your path, I'm sure. I am working on that too. Sending love. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Curtise. It would be so much easier if there was a blueprint right? Just like when raising kids. However knowing me I would rebel and still want to find my own way! xo Jazzy Jack
DeleteI-pods, apps, tabs! My head would probably explode with all that technology.
ReplyDeleteLike Curtise says, there's no blueprint. We do what suits us.
I take a break from the internet for a solid 48 hours once a week. Easy as the only way I can access it is on old school PC - no fancy gadgets, no mobile devices. I'm unplugged and I'm free! xxx
Ah yes. My hubby gave me the ipad to help me organise my scattered brain. Which did work. Then I started on Facebook and then blogging....etc. However it is all fun and meaningful and I don't regret it at all. It's the same with the rest of my life, I dive too deep and then have to pull back.
DeleteHaving a solid 48 hr computer break is such a simple idea. So typical of me to overcomplicate everything! Ha!
Definitely an idea worth trying. Thanks Vix! xo Jazzy Jack
Jack,
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to close my computer and books well before bedtime so I can wind down and stop thinking at such an intense level. Sometimes it works. Mostly, it doesn't. I go to bed thinking and can't fall asleep. If I wake in the night, I start thinking again, and that's the end of my sleep. This morning at 4 am I was thinking about giftedness. Can we put too much pressure on gifted children? I mulled that over, making connections with my own experiences, until I had to get up at 5.45 am. Sometimes I get to the point where I never want to think deeply about anything again. I just want to read light stuff, watch movies and let my brain be idle. Before too long, this isn't enough. I get back on the treadmill again. I can't help it.
"I also think my sensitivity to what others think has coloured what I do and why." I continuously feel guilty where other people are concerned. I can't keep up with FB friendships and feel bad about it. The same with reading blogs and commenting. Periodically, I decide it's time to stop blogging because I can't take the stress of worrying about what other people are thinking, doing, expecting... I just want to be free of all that. Of course, I'm still here, but it's a struggle. On the upside, feeling other people's feelings can be good. Tiring, yes, but it's easier for me to make connections and have empathy and compassion than it is, I imagine, for people who are able to stand alone. I bet the same is true for you. Sometimes we get frustrated by some aspect of our personality, but if it were taken away, we wouldn't be the same people.
You know what? It's so good to chat about things like this. Those around me, excluding my family, are not interested at all. Most of my conversations have to take place in my head! Thank you for your post.
I'm so glad Sue. Feel free to email me if you want more chatting!
DeleteI have recently extended my online evening ban to movies. I seem to become more wired and unable to sleep if I watch something that is supposedly relaxing before bed. Knitting podcasts are my go to relax tool at the moment!
Thanks for your input. Xo Jazzy Jack
balance is hard! i know this from my life as a to sensitiv, to passionate person and as a mountaineer. but in both its very needed!
ReplyDeletethankfully i have not much "sitting flesh" - so after a while with the computer i need to move. household, garden and trips are a very welcome break up. living in the woods with all the physical tasks of an oldschool household and lots of "ways" to take by foot or bike helps to balance my reading/surfing habits too. i HAVE to move and do - otherwise i die on hypothermia or hunger ;-)
but lately i had to much "move" for weeks (for reasons) - so i had to take a whole day reading and surfing while lying in bed :-)
xxxxxx
It's great when our bodies tell us to move...and we listen! I have such a built in desire to finish something I can often surface to find myself totally kinked up and starving!
DeleteI am working on becoming more body aware. Ah balance...yoga is helping with mine. I am hooked!
Wishing you well and hope you are back out of bed and rested. xo Jazzy Jack