Poem about the waves

the waves

swing round the rocks

digging heels into sand

then they lay down

an eiderdown of foam

soft susurration at the edges

the backwash explodes

a firework running

a rope lifted suddenly

~JJ 23/5/18

Poetry and slowing down

Hello friends!
I'm coming to terms with some of the ideas I was exploring in my last post.
Here are some solutions I've found for me.

The best thing so far has been to 

take my foot off the accelerator!

For an adrenalin junkie like me this has consequences in my mood, and is not quite as easy as it seems. But it certainly quietens my nervous system and leaves me much more able to cope. I do love creation and discovery, so staying in one place for too long can depress my mood. This is a continual balancing act.

I am finding I can use my sensitive senses and my Autistic brain to dive deep into the moment. 

Exploring deeply into my senses

 helps time slow down and gives my brain something to feed on so it doesn't feel bored or run around trying to find something else to obsess over.

Also feeding my senses calms my body and gives me another layer of relaxation.

I am working out that when the volume suddenly feels turned up, or the speedometer is in the red, it often isn't the world that has changed, even if that is how my mind interprets it, 

so I run around trying to slot appointments into calendars and telling everyone to quieten down. When really I need to 

remove myself

 from being around people for a while until my mind quietens down and I can cope again.

I find it hard to understand this in the moment, as my mind interprets everything as external. It really is hard to realise the change has been within. I rely on others to help me with this.

I also have found poetry to be a huge help. Not just writing it, but 

using the poetic mindset

 which loves contradictions and paradox to help me live in amongst the chaos. To encourage me to not try and rule boxes around moments but to let life flow more freely through my hands and sit in the messy maelstrom.

Here are two poems I wrote along these lines.

I hope you enjoy them and maybe find encouragement for your life.

I love walking on edges

those crumbling places

that hold so much room

for new thoughts

I want to explore them

with my side eyes open

to sense wondrous

impossibilities of life

To believe in things

that shouldn't happen

and have mysteries

that confound the wise

I want to stay awake

to contradictions

to feel expansion

around the sides

To keep myself

from being rigid

and funnelling my thoughts

down the line

Help me to be

receptive to them

those spaces which

are hard to define

And help me to

receive within me

the lifelines that are

my poetic mind

17/5/18

When I am tired

and overwhelmed

I tie myself up tight

in boxes

cutting off any soul

hanging over the edge

I want to make life organised

cut and dried, certain

simple and easy to manage

but all that I lose when I restrict

and confine

is my expansive playful

mysterious self

17/5/18

OK we'll leave it there for now. I'm sure this isn't the last I will speak on this topic!

Til next time,

keep on creating!

Love,

Jazzy Jack

Optimising equals perfectionism

Greetings my beauties!

It's been awhile since I could find the energy to write. 
This year I've struggled to find resources within me to put finger to keyboard.
My year has been a busy one, with extra singing commitments and appointments to address health concerns. In order to encompass these within my schedule I've implemented new organisational tools, including a new phone with shopping list and calendar capabilities. 
You may know that with my Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)/Aspergers comes executive dysfuntion, which basically means organising myself is a nightmare. I thought adding more tools to my belt would be the answer.
I hunkered down and tried to muscle my way through using optimisation. Let me tell you friends, at least for me, this doesn't work!
I have found myself encountering tension headaches at every turn.
What to do?

We recently had a sublime two weeks holiday at our beach cabin which helped, but as soon as we returned home, it all started up again.
Hmmm....

Yesterday I had an epiphany! I realised how all my optimising and organising is making me (probably due to my ASD) fall down the rabbit hole of perfectionism. I find myself, due to my inherent perfectionism, trying to optimise the tiniest engagements. Should I have breakfast first, or shower, or yoga?
Each of these takes brain space, but more importantly, body 
energy. I am so totally trying to make my life organised and
streamlined that I am overthinking everything. That doesn't sound like me! Ha!

So now I have a few words written on my bathroom mirror to help me shift my mindset. Things like : effortless attention, play, liminal, practice mistakes, let go, it's ok.

Part of my problem is usually in the past if I let go and go with the flow I tend to become immersed in my projects so much that I forget to eat. There must be a middle ground somewhere. But I'm going to give it another go because it seems more healthy than tension headaches every day, and screaming at the world to quiet down, or sobbing in the corner when I am showering.
Currently, as in yesterday and today, I am trying to
be aware of when I am trying to optimise my life and just go with the first one I thought of. Not trying to pick the 
perfect opportunity, or the perfect time or the perfect situation. Letting go and flowing with the current sounds way more relaxing to me.
Of course this involves making mistakes and oh boy, being a dyed in the wool perfectionist, my system does not like making mistakes!

Also having such a reactive and sensitive system, when I do go out I need a day or two to recover, which makes everything take so much longer.
I really think I've bought into the hurry hurry culture more than I realised, and am having to rethink everything. 
Will it really hurt to take another week to get the lights fixed in our family room?
Can I take another week to get Aiden some new glasses so he doesn't have to stickytape his (glasses) arm on?Can the dentist wait another month, or am I being a bad mother?

Homeschooling has also played a role in all of this, as I try to work out what I can let go of so I can be present with my kids.

Of course then we have the whole artistic personality that rears its head, saying "what about me?"! This is the voice that I ignore at my own peril, but I do it constantly. Recently I've been finding it has been almost impossible to even think about.
So yesterday, when I started being aware of my thoughts, I decided to practise allowing the day to flow without too much optimising. Suddenly I had the urge to start a knitting project...which I did.
Creativity had been waiting for a relaxed moment to pop into my life. I was so glad to see her!
I've realised in a visceral way that

Stressing and creating are opposing forces.

Will I succeed in this new mindset? Asks my perfectionist self.
Well my new mantra is " I do not have to do it perfectly", and that includes relaxation and making mistakes and letting go. Because you know I will darn well give it a try!
So if you are stumbling over your to do list, or the appointments seem hard to summit, you might like to join me in my quest for flow and slow.

Which camp are you in? Do you fall prey to the optimising imposter?