Optimising equals perfectionism

Greetings my beauties!

It's been awhile since I could find the energy to write. 
This year I've struggled to find resources within me to put finger to keyboard.
My year has been a busy one, with extra singing commitments and appointments to address health concerns. In order to encompass these within my schedule I've implemented new organisational tools, including a new phone with shopping list and calendar capabilities. 
You may know that with my Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)/Aspergers comes executive dysfuntion, which basically means organising myself is a nightmare. I thought adding more tools to my belt would be the answer.
I hunkered down and tried to muscle my way through using optimisation. Let me tell you friends, at least for me, this doesn't work!
I have found myself encountering tension headaches at every turn.
What to do?

We recently had a sublime two weeks holiday at our beach cabin which helped, but as soon as we returned home, it all started up again.
Hmmm....

Yesterday I had an epiphany! I realised how all my optimising and organising is making me (probably due to my ASD) fall down the rabbit hole of perfectionism. I find myself, due to my inherent perfectionism, trying to optimise the tiniest engagements. Should I have breakfast first, or shower, or yoga?
Each of these takes brain space, but more importantly, body 
energy. I am so totally trying to make my life organised and
streamlined that I am overthinking everything. That doesn't sound like me! Ha!

So now I have a few words written on my bathroom mirror to help me shift my mindset. Things like : effortless attention, play, liminal, practice mistakes, let go, it's ok.

Part of my problem is usually in the past if I let go and go with the flow I tend to become immersed in my projects so much that I forget to eat. There must be a middle ground somewhere. But I'm going to give it another go because it seems more healthy than tension headaches every day, and screaming at the world to quiet down, or sobbing in the corner when I am showering.
Currently, as in yesterday and today, I am trying to
be aware of when I am trying to optimise my life and just go with the first one I thought of. Not trying to pick the 
perfect opportunity, or the perfect time or the perfect situation. Letting go and flowing with the current sounds way more relaxing to me.
Of course this involves making mistakes and oh boy, being a dyed in the wool perfectionist, my system does not like making mistakes!

Also having such a reactive and sensitive system, when I do go out I need a day or two to recover, which makes everything take so much longer.
I really think I've bought into the hurry hurry culture more than I realised, and am having to rethink everything. 
Will it really hurt to take another week to get the lights fixed in our family room?
Can I take another week to get Aiden some new glasses so he doesn't have to stickytape his (glasses) arm on?Can the dentist wait another month, or am I being a bad mother?

Homeschooling has also played a role in all of this, as I try to work out what I can let go of so I can be present with my kids.

Of course then we have the whole artistic personality that rears its head, saying "what about me?"! This is the voice that I ignore at my own peril, but I do it constantly. Recently I've been finding it has been almost impossible to even think about.
So yesterday, when I started being aware of my thoughts, I decided to practise allowing the day to flow without too much optimising. Suddenly I had the urge to start a knitting project...which I did.
Creativity had been waiting for a relaxed moment to pop into my life. I was so glad to see her!
I've realised in a visceral way that

Stressing and creating are opposing forces.

Will I succeed in this new mindset? Asks my perfectionist self.
Well my new mantra is " I do not have to do it perfectly", and that includes relaxation and making mistakes and letting go. Because you know I will darn well give it a try!
So if you are stumbling over your to do list, or the appointments seem hard to summit, you might like to join me in my quest for flow and slow.

Which camp are you in? Do you fall prey to the optimising imposter?

Mother's Day love

Today I want to publicly celebrate my Mum.

These photos are of her with Miles and Aiden a few years ago now. She is such an awesome Grandma to my kids, and what more can a mother ask? You have taught me how to be a Mum.

Mum is always on the end of the phone to chat when I need some counsel. She is wise and steady and gentle with a quirky sense of humour. Mum also is a great portraitist of various leaves and flowers she finds on her walks. She is expert at finding beautiful things and finding joy in everything.

I often reach out to her to help me see things from a calmer perspective because she has positive thinking down!

Mum is also great at talking to people and helps everyone she meets feel special. She even does pastoral care to those in need at her retirement home.

Mum and Dad's house is a warm, calming space with cups of tea at the drop of a hat!

Here is a poem I wrote that reminds me of her.

We all hang 

On a spider's wing

A translucent thread

Floating on music

we first heard

in our mother's womb

Singing of fighting and chances 

and holding on

...swinging on love.

27/07/09

My parents are great sports. You may remember this post a few years ago.

I adore you Mum!

And I hope your Mother's Day is as special as you.

All my love,

Jazzy Jack

Why not have another video!

Greetings my beauties!
Here is another video to catch up with what we've been doing.
Thanks so much to all who wrote such lovely comments answering my questionnaire before the break.
I feel the need to change things up a little and trying to see what people respond to.
However for now all I have the energy for is doing videos and Instagram posts. Yes, I'm back on Instagram, trying it out again. Maybe it will stick, who knows. Or maybe I just need a change.

I've been exploring a lot of topics like flow, and autism and giftedness to see if I can get rid of my constant headaches and body tension. Yesterday I just stayed in bed apart from exercising, and cutting Miles' hair. It seemed to help and although seems obvious, is never that obvious to me! I always feel the need to do something to fix my tension. Crazy I know!

Anyway, here is the video, and I'll talk to you soon hopefully.

Til next time,

keep on creating!

Love,

Jazzy Jack 

It's been a minute

Greetings gorgeous friends!

Life has taken me away to thrash me around a bit. We have had too much fun since the beginning of the year, with birthdays and travel and performance.
I am only now (maybe) groping my way through.
I can't really decide where to start, but here is my latest video to update you a bit.
Love you!
Jazzy Jack

Time for a KitKat

Greetings gorgeous friends,

I will be taking a short internet break.

Here is a poem to leave you with:

a breathing space

space to tend to your core

turn down the all firing systems

let them simmer gently

on your breath

carve out space

to feel who you are again

to touch your own face

and smile.

~Jazzy Jack 2018

See you again on the other side.

If you wouldn't mind, could you answer two questions for me?

1. What am I good at?

2. What value does that bring to your life?

Thanks so much.

All my love,

Jazzy Jack

PS Til next time, keep on creating!

BeautyScope 446: Bird flight

come fly with us

the call comes clear

feel the wind

drift into the air

BeautyScope 445: Forest floor

underneath

the fresh green forest

the light is scarce

starkness