Personal story - Gender/sexuality/autism update

 Dear friends,

Today I return to discuss a topic that is very personal.

Let’s talk gender, sexuality and disability! Why not?

I thought I would do an update on how this area of my life is panning out, in the hopes I might encourage anyone else in my boat.

First of all I’d like to acknowledge my absolutely adorable husband, who is staunchly by my side through thick and thin. We have been married for (can it be?) 32 years now!

I am a complicated being inside. Unravelling what is what is not an easy task for the one inside the body, let alone those outside it.

Lately I feel a need to consciously step into my identity again. 

I identify as a genderqueer lesbian autistic menopausal person, who is married to a man.

How does that work you ask? Good question!

I don’t want to go into too many personal specifics here, but it is a juggling match between my gender feelings, my attraction, my libido and my autistic sensory issues. I have come to realise that these categories can overlap and influence each other. I am not the easiest person to be close to, but we try to make a closeness in our lives as much as possible. We need to navigate the issues I mentioned above, and these can and do change from day to day, and moment to moment as life moves around us.

I don’t even really know half the time what is causing me to feel or not feel a certain way, let alone try and explain it to my loved one. 

Why am I writing about this on the internet? Because I have had feedback in the past that by sharing my story I have encouraged others who are in a similar place and feel stuck.

I don’t have any answers for you really, except to say, keep on trying to connect in any way you can.

My husband and I love to decorate together, which feels like a joint artwork.

Lately we have been doing some of this in the setting up of our apartment.

We have also started going for walks together every morning to our local cafes to walk the dog, and catch up on our days and discuss the world around us...mini dates if you will.

Look at that cheeky grin!

Due to my autism (or my abrasive personality!) I am realising how often I react without thinking, or critique a small point instead of allowing the other to change the programming. So I am feeling the need to go out of my way to be kind, and allow him to be right sometimes. Shock horror! This is a way to gain closeness surprisingly.

We also love just sitting together reading and occasionally sharing a quote or a laugh. We do have exactly the same sense of humour, when my autistic mind doesn’t get in the way! So that is a point of communion.

I suppose I would like you to take away from all of this, that there are ways to have a meaningful life together which is more than just brother and sister. It is a conscious way of being together, feeling our way into the other’s world and cherishing it...and them.

When I first came out as a lesbian (I had already suspected I was autistic), I was counselled to leave my husband and start again. But I had two children by then, I loved my husband and was compromised in my ability to support myself.

My beloved being the magnificently generous being he is, has stayed by my side. If I didn’t love him already, this alone would have made me melt.

I always knew he was kind to his animals and those vulnerable in his care, and so I should not have been surprised at his immense love.

This man is loyal to the core.

I have backed away slightly from taking a stand and announcing my identity to all and sundry as I did in the beginning. It’s a lot to take in, especially as I don’t seem any different from any other wives you would encounter on the surface.

I now am allowing that veneer to stand until I know you better and /or I am in a queer/disabled environment where they would understand.

My kids know my story and are really great advocates for gender and sexuality issues. I am proud of them. Hopefully they will grow to be men as wonderful as their Dad is!

This post has ended up being more of a love letter than I expected, and less of a personal story. But that is probably all I need to say right now.

If you have questions, I am happy to answer them.

Just leave a comment, or send me an email. If I am shouting into the void and no one is there, then that’s fine as well :-)

Til next time, 

Keep on creating!

Lot of love,

Jazzy Jack

See how my pants match my coffee?

Saying Goodbye to Leeway

Greetings my friends!

Well, this week saw the end of an era in our household. We said goodbye to our beach cabin “Leeway” which we have owned for four wonderful years.

This was sad and also perfect timing.

So this last week saw us popping down to the beach for one last goodbye to all our favourite haunts and emptying out the cabin. (Not that we can’t visit the haunts again one day.)

Since then I have been trying to find space in our already small apartment for all the duplicate pantry and toiletry items brought back. I’ve become a ninja squirreller!

Every time I empty out a bag or box onto the kitchen counter I despair of ever finding homes for them all. And when the bench is cleared I do a happy dance and feel like a superhero!

Such are the joys of my life right now. I have to find joy this way as my September Space month has been somewhat invaded by this slightly unexpected early selling of our cabin. Seems there is more of a demand than we realised for portable cabins.

We are really happy she is going to Mogo not far away to a family that was burnt out in the fires. How cool is that? And Mogo is a super sweet little town. 

Looking back we have been reflecting on all we have achieved since owning Leeway. The reason for buying her was to give Aiden a place to feel safe (due to his OCD) and to be able to explore the world. It required superhuman courage for him to do the car journey at first. But each successful trip built on the one before, and now he and Miles are doing their own road trip together in their own car and loving it!

Here is a link to a YouTube video I made when we first bought Leeway. To give you an idea of how we felt about it!

https://youtu.be/XKqbG-RmB1c

I was moved to write a poem about the beach on the last day, but surprisingly it was about a first.

climbing the sand dune to the sea

on the first day of holidays

is a magical moment

that first glimpse

that breath catch moment

on reaching the top

and spying the blue

stretched out

like a glistening tablecloth

before me

24/9/20

And here is the last glimpse through the fence.

May she have many more happy years with her new family.

Stay tuned for more adventures focussing on Heartwoods our bush getaway which was burnt out in the fires. We have plans...

Til next time,

Keep on creating!

Love,

Jazzy Jack

Second week of September Space - Poetry book

Hello there!

Here I am reporting in about my week.

Spring is continuing to Spring. We are enjoying the bulbs and blossoms of the city.

Yesterday we had a long awaited event. We finally received our thermal blinds for our bedroom!! Now we won’t be boiled alive both Winter and Summer. We bought double honeycomb top down/bottom up blinds. So we can also open them at the top for privacy from the ground without sacrificing light. We have found this feature surprisingly handy as we can make fake clerestory windows while still blocking out the radiant heat from the direct sun. Here is Cris modelling his work station. You can see how much sun comes in. Of course that means no need for heating in Winter. Oh yeah!

This week I started to get a little annoyed at myself for not finding anything substantial to get my teeth into. I have this large chunk of time set aside, so surely I should use it for a larger project. But I just couldn’t think of anything, until Cris mentioned my erstwhile poetry book I had started a while back. Unfortunately this was not appealing as it just means organising and rearranging, not writing poems, which is the fun part. It seemed like more of what I was trying to get away from. Doing boring work.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that in the long run I will be proud of my book and glad I set the time aside.

So that is what I’ve done for two days this week. Taking time to sit with my phone and transfer my old poems into different folders of Evernote to start sorting which would go well together. It has been a fun project, rereading my work.

Surprisingly I discovered a few poems about enjoying being in the hustle and bustle of the city, which expresses how I feel living here, written before this place was even thought of. I didn’t pay attention at the time and let it slide, but now enjoying this space so much, I’m surprised I didn’t know this about myself when I even gave myself clues in my poetry!

Speaking of poetry, I wrote this little ditty yesterday.

Piers floating on water

Like magic carpets rolled out

To enable those of us

Who are not Jesus

To experience the miracle

Of not falling in

11/9/20

During my walk along the lake foreshore I heard a beautiful bird calling goodnight. I include a small snippet in a video for you to join in. https://youtu.be/C05qyw9drr0 Excuse my ignorance but what bird is that?

Til next time,

Keep on creating!

Lots of love,

Jazzy Jack

First week of September Space

 Hey there folks!

Another week rolls by and we find ourselves here again. Checking in with my peeps as I promised.

Yesterday was Father’s Day here in Australia, so I am delayed by a day. We had to spend time with Dad!

My first week of space has been surprisingly beautiful. Taking time for myself and having the backing of my family to drop my usual activities, like making dinner, has been mind blowing.

I realise how much of my days is busy work. By that I mean work that has to be done but doesn’t nurture my soul in any way at all! No wonder I am feeling depleted and tense.

I have started a course designed to help me tune into my sensitive body and learn to set boundaries. Apparently my sensitivity is a super power! Who knew? Too early to tell you how, but I will keep you posted.

One of the areas of life I have been addressing is my wardrobe. I went through a minimalist phase for a while trying to calm my mind and senses. My bright coloured clothing was over stimulating me, or so it felt. But now my life has calmed down a bit, I am craving more colour, so last week I went out hunting the secondhand stores for some. I found a bunch of wonderful summer prints, which give me so much joy to wear. So the colour is coming back!

Here I am dressed for my nephew’s wedding being live-streamed into our living room. (Half bright and half neutrals)

I have been able to do some crafty stuff. I had a boring pair of shoes which I decorated with an Aztec butterfly...which denotes war! Who knew butterflies were warlike?

I am using it to symbolise my new connection to my fierce centre, and also to represent the usual butterfly transformation. Aren’t they cute?

Finally I give you a poem I wrote the other day in the park.

Walking in the park

Amongst giant gums

Picking up random

Discarded cockatoo feathers

To decorate my wall

At home

Is secondhand shopping

At its finest

3/9/20

Til next time,

Keep on creating!

Lots of love,

Jazzy Jack

Weekly catchup and September Space

Greetings friends!

I told myself I would try and post every weekend when I have my getaway afternoon.

I drive the car to a quiet place and sit and read, and sometimes sleep in the sun for a couple of hours.

This is the perfect time to squeeze out a post! Or so I thought.

I have been sitting here looking through photos to illustrate an idea I had, but none of them fit properly.

So now I will write a post about not writing a post! Ha!

This week has been a good one. The main points being: Cris was voted onto our building executive committee, Miles had his four wisdom teeth removed, and Aiden crashed his bike with a few injuries but nothing life threatening. And I continued to spin the plates, and adore our new home...and its surroundings. I can’t remember ever living anywhere where I constantly exclaimed over how fun and joyful it felt to live there. And we have lived in a few nice places.

This week we have had a range of temperatures, from snow last weekend to almost springlike temperatures today. Welcome to Canberra!

I am currently reading the book ‘Holy Heathen’ by Katherine North and feeling a parallel between her upbringing as a missionary kid in Japan and mine in Papua New Guinea. She is one of those sensitive intense individuals I can totally relate to. I love her passion!

Next week I start on a new adventure. I am taking the month of September off as a mother. I have booked no appointments and plan to use the time to explore my creativity in this new space and maybe do some heart searching about the way I run my life.

Hopefully there will be poetry and pretty pictures to show over the weeks and the kids will learn to support themselves more. I plan to only cook when I feel like it but am agreeing to supervise and coach if need be.

So we will see how the experiment unfolds!

Wish me luck that I don’t give in and start doing housework.

Til next time,

Keep on creating!

Lots of love,

Jazzy Jack

Our New Apartment

 Greetings my long suffering friends.

I am checking in with my biannual blog post!

I think in my previous post I mentioned we were waiting to move into our new apartment. Well, the title gave it away, but we have moved in. Actually we moved almost three months ago now.

I have been waiting until the pictures were hung before taking photos to post. It always feels finished with pictures on the walls.

We still have many possessions in storage which need sorting, but we are living quite comfortably in this new little space.

It is a two bedroom sub penthouse apartment on the 12th floor, the size of two tiny houses side by side containing four adult sized humans and a medium sized dog.

We managed to bring some favourite prints of stained glass and our porthole mirror from our old house, which we paired with a new IKEA couch in such a gorgeous rusty red. It warms me every time I look at it. And it looks old already! Very long. Four of us can sit along it and it is wide enough to be a bed if necessary.

We made the piano a priority in the space and bought a folding table at IKEA for the dining room. The table is stored at the entrance as you can see here.

This plus a few plants indoors is all the garden I have now. So I make it count by adding a mirror. I think my decorating style would be called when-in-doubt-add-a-mirror!

We fold up our mattress and make it into a chair so the bedroom can be used as a living space/office in the day time. The desk with the best view in town.

The boys have the master bedroom which they have divided into two rooms. This is Miles’ section with wardrobe and chest of drawers creating a private space behind for his bed. 

To his right is a door to another small balcony which gives them their own *small* space. Miles loves to use the door as his whiteboard.

Aiden just loves his little cave. He lives in the walkin wardrobe. We created an elevated bed with storage and desk underneath. He requested it. And he can fold up the bed to stand if necessary. But so far he loves to do sumersaults to get out of his chair!

And this is the reason we did all this upheaval. The view! Plus the proximity to the city and learning about living in an urban environment.

The trees on the right are our local park. Can you see the police jet skis on the water?

I hope you can see why I have been absent for so long. But I am going to try to be a bit more consistent now we have moved.

Please excuse my formatting. I’m still learning the new Blogger!

‘Til next time, keep on creating!

Much love,

Jazzy Jack

Mother’s Day Poem

Greetings to you all this fabulous day!

Firstly thanks so much to all of you for your lovely comments on my A to Z poems. It certainly was a challenge. And I was never so glad our alphabet has only 26 letters. That’s the first time I’ve tried an alphabetical writing challenge and it probably won’t be the last. I did struggle to come up with stories during the lockdown, as it seemed I had said all I had to say towards the end, so I got a little silly. Which is totally fine and sometimes important for me who can be very serious. Ha!

We are still in our lockdown on the coast but our new apartment which we are waiting to move into is edging ever so closer. We are almost at the final step! Settlement just around the corner. Of course we were supposed to hear before the weekend when that would be, but their computers crashed so now we wait once again! It seems there is always one more hurdle in this 21 month saga. You would think I had developed patience by now and wouldn’t keep needing more lessons. I’m trying, I’m trying!

Really it has been quite wonderful being here all together with Cris working from home and not having to commute back and forth to Canberra each week. Although finding quiet working space in this tiny place has been a challenge sometimes, especially for his Zoom meetings and radio interviews on cold and rainy days especially. He has been seen out there under our awning with a blanket wrapped around his legs and me dashing back and forth providing hot drinks!

The hardest part for the kids has been that we are not allowed to travel around the town for anything except essentials. The way the kids entertain themselves usually here is with excursions, setting themselves challenges or investigating things. We are allowed outside for exercise so some of these projects have been able to be combined with exercise. For example they both bought themselves cameras with zoom lenses. So they have been able to go for walks to test them out on the beach. Our backyard is basically a beach, which we are so thankful for. And they have the run of the caravan park which is huge. But driving to photograph the planes, for example, would not be acceptable.
So we are now earmarking ideas to do next time we come down.

I have found being without my sewing machine difficult, and craft supplies. We have had a double upheaval by being locked down in a temporary living situation. It’s been harder without all our normal activities and limited wifi. But of course we are very comfortable and grateful to be together.

Our camper van has been a godsend as it has provided another living space for one person to escape to  during the day, and for Miles to sleep in at night (usually he sleeps on the fold out lounge in the living room). We parked it opposite the front door adjacent to the deck, so it is even almost under cover. Cris thought up that genius idea of course!

Our apartment will be only slightly bigger than this little portable dwelling, so this has been a great little exercise to see how we can go long term in a tiny space. Apart from Cris’ working space, we have done surprisingly well. So this bodes well for our move. Phew!

Alright will leave it there for now. Here is a poem I wrote for mothers.

Mother’s Day

I struggled with this concept

For many years

As the Drs had told us

"It's unlikely you will have kids"

So as each year rolled around

I fretted and hid

And felt sad

Now after ten years

Of trying the first time

And two weeks the next - what?!

We are the proud parents

Of two teenage boys

Turns out Drs are not infallible

But I still struggled

Because every year it seemed

I was being tested on my mothering

As invariably one or the other

Or both our kids would fall sick

Not the picture perfect day I had planned!

So here’s to those who mother

Whether your own or another's

We rock!

What a privilege

To be able to raise another person

Teaching and nurturing them

Into the world

Loving and being loved

So deeply in return

I don't need to tense

As this day approaches

Wondering what it will bring

Because for a Mother

Every day is Mother's Day

Smothered in hugs and kisses

And tears and snot

Full of tasks and laundry

And another endless meal

Seeing happy faces smiling towards us

And grumpy ones stomping away

Feeling our hearts burst as we turn a corner

And sometimes crying at our wit's end

Knowing this is the hardest

And most rewarding job

And we wouldn't have it

Any other way

10/5/20

Til next time,

Keep on creating!

Love,

Jazzy Jack

PS Photo by Aiden