I have new glasses!
Recently I have tried to get back to things I do easily and naturally. Things that I was born to do. Playing the piano came to mind. It is something I've done since I was four that was self organised. It is my happy place. I learnt to read music as I learnt to read words. I am as fluent in one as the other. So why don't I play the piano much these days? When I sat down to play I realised my progressive lenses make it difficult to see the music so I ordered a new pair ( see above). Well, let me tell you. That was the best decision! I had thought I was getting rusty and so that was why I was making so many mistakes. Little did I realise that I was actually avoiding looking down at the keyboard because it was visually too trippy to keep flicking back and forth to the music. So I was effectively playing blind. I'm amazed I did as well as I have. This has been going on for years and I had no idea! How we are expert at fooling ourselves. Anyway, now I can see again I'm playing so much better I want to play and play! I feel I have been given the gift of music all over again.
I have started writing little daily missives to a couple of friends. With one of them I also share yoga and spiritual reading and with the other writing. So every day we share our stories of deep thoughts or poetry about the details or just express frustrations we can't do a yoga pose or how we can't understand our kids or whatever comes up. For those who like me are fairly isolated this is such a wonderful practice. I started it to help keep me in touch with a friend who lives in another country. Now not only are we coming up to our third month of daily letter writing, we also keep each other on track with our daily yoga practice. It's amazing what you can drag out of your body when you feel the
strength of another's gaze.
This is in contrast to my years on the internet on social media. I have been trying to come up with an analogy for how that feels. It feels like standing in a party watching groups of people having conversations, and going around gently chatting, and then finding that each group is joining hands and you are being circled slowly around the room, and then it gets faster and faster as the music rises and you find yourself being swirled off your feet as you run from person to person and group to group calling out comments to conversations that are already past and your words are sprayed out into the general noise and at the same time the music stops and you are still shouting and you feel so exposed as everyone turns to stare and you find you have been dancing naked to a tune noone has heard and although they murmur kind words you realise they have no idea what you've been saying so you quietly leave after maybe murmuring an apology and they all turn and keep chatting amongst themselves and the music starts up again and they are happy and laughing and almost euphoric in their friendships and you are all alone.
So I am feeling a little left out of the party, but I prefer to think of it as peeping through the curtains to watch the party goers and smiling.
You can have your party and I will write to a couple of people and have in-depth conversations.
Not that you are not having in-depth conversations, but I can't manage more than two or three at once. I am often critical of myself and my needs which seem way more than others to the point of not being able to function. But I also think I am forced to think about how I use my energy way more than another, which has allowed me to find practices (after much trial and error) that suit.
I seem to write blog posts only about that these days, but that is what my life is about right now. (Hello Aspergers!) Taking a break from the norm to see if I can find a better way that suits me and my energy, so I can groove a bit more instead of slogging and forcing. I like to think that I might help another find a better way for them if so required.
As Thomas Merton once said:
“To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of our activism neutralizes our work for peace. It destroys our own inner capacity for peace because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful.”
Settling down to just one or two projects is akin to what I've been doing in my wardrobe. Currently I am exploring French Style. I am finding it interesting to restrict the colours and the cuts. To make the look more structured and less messy. I may not stay here, but the exercise is very enlightening and bringing in my love of cool coats and jackets. So at the moment I seem to be leaning towards neutral separates with colourful jackets and interesting accesories. I'm hoping I can keep my own style and flavour within a more structured guideline.
And speaking of looks, I am also exploring growing my hair ( see photo). It is nice to feel a little softness around my face again. It is still a work in progress as I test the waters of longer hair and sense how straight or curly I should go.
Yesterday we had much needed long soaking rain and I wrote this poem.
the trees are dripping
with tears of joy
down their trunks
feast on moisture
as the world
breathes a sigh
This is how I am feeling being able to connect back into my own soul ...and breeeeeeeeathe.
So my lovelies, we may catch a glimpse of each other to wave as we pass and even have time occasionally to chat for a second or two. But my energies are required elsewhere right now and I know you who are my friends will understand. I wish it was not so, and I could rush madly around the world making friends and sharing all the fun stuff I make and see, but somehow this is not what I am here for. I am the person who sinks deeply into the soil and grows the flower for none but the bees to see.
Til next time,
keep on creating! (Whether you and I can share it or not)
PS I still hope to keep posting here every now and then when my soul requires :-)