Dear friends,
Today I return to discuss a topic that is very personal.
Let’s talk gender, sexuality and disability! Why not?
I thought I would do an update on how this area of my life is panning out, in the hopes I might encourage anyone else in my boat.
First of all I’d like to acknowledge my absolutely adorable husband, who is staunchly by my side through thick and thin. We have been married for (can it be?) 32 years now!
I am a complicated being inside. Unravelling what is what is not an easy task for the one inside the body, let alone those outside it.
Lately I feel a need to consciously step into my identity again.
I identify as a genderqueer lesbian autistic menopausal person, who is married to a man.
How does that work you ask? Good question!
I don’t want to go into too many personal specifics here, but it is a juggling match between my gender feelings, my attraction, my libido and my autistic sensory issues. I have come to realise that these categories can overlap and influence each other. I am not the easiest person to be close to, but we try to make a closeness in our lives as much as possible. We need to navigate the issues I mentioned above, and these can and do change from day to day, and moment to moment as life moves around us.
I don’t even really know half the time what is causing me to feel or not feel a certain way, let alone try and explain it to my loved one.
Why am I writing about this on the internet? Because I have had feedback in the past that by sharing my story I have encouraged others who are in a similar place and feel stuck.
I don’t have any answers for you really, except to say, keep on trying to connect in any way you can.
My husband and I love to decorate together, which feels like a joint artwork.
Lately we have been doing some of this in the setting up of our apartment.
We have also started going for walks together every morning to our local cafes to walk the dog, and catch up on our days and discuss the world around us...mini dates if you will.
We also love just sitting together reading and occasionally sharing a quote or a laugh. We do have exactly the same sense of humour, when my autistic mind doesn’t get in the way! So that is a point of communion.
I suppose I would like you to take away from all of this, that there are ways to have a meaningful life together which is more than just brother and sister. It is a conscious way of being together, feeling our way into the other’s world and cherishing it...and them.
When I first came out as a lesbian (I had already suspected I was autistic), I was counselled to leave my husband and start again. But I had two children by then, I loved my husband and was compromised in my ability to support myself.
My beloved being the magnificently generous being he is, has stayed by my side. If I didn’t love him already, this alone would have made me melt.
I always knew he was kind to his animals and those vulnerable in his care, and so I should not have been surprised at his immense love.
This man is loyal to the core.
I have backed away slightly from taking a stand and announcing my identity to all and sundry as I did in the beginning. It’s a lot to take in, especially as I don’t seem any different from any other wives you would encounter on the surface.
I now am allowing that veneer to stand until I know you better and /or I am in a queer/disabled environment where they would understand.
My kids know my story and are really great advocates for gender and sexuality issues. I am proud of them. Hopefully they will grow to be men as wonderful as their Dad is!
This post has ended up being more of a love letter than I expected, and less of a personal story. But that is probably all I need to say right now.
If you have questions, I am happy to answer them.
Just leave a comment, or send me an email. If I am shouting into the void and no one is there, then that’s fine as well :-)
Til next time,
Keep on creating!
Lot of love,
Jazzy Jack
