Dear friends,
Today I return to discuss a topic that is very personal.
Let’s talk gender, sexuality and disability! Why not?
I thought I would do an update on how this area of my life is panning out, in the hopes I might encourage anyone else in my boat.
First of all I’d like to acknowledge my absolutely adorable husband, who is staunchly by my side through thick and thin. We have been married for (can it be?) 32 years now!
I am a complicated being inside. Unravelling what is what is not an easy task for the one inside the body, let alone those outside it.
Lately I feel a need to consciously step into my identity again.
I identify as a genderqueer lesbian autistic menopausal person, who is married to a man.
How does that work you ask? Good question!
I don’t want to go into too many personal specifics here, but it is a juggling match between my gender feelings, my attraction, my libido and my autistic sensory issues. I have come to realise that these categories can overlap and influence each other. I am not the easiest person to be close to, but we try to make a closeness in our lives as much as possible. We need to navigate the issues I mentioned above, and these can and do change from day to day, and moment to moment as life moves around us.
I don’t even really know half the time what is causing me to feel or not feel a certain way, let alone try and explain it to my loved one.
Why am I writing about this on the internet? Because I have had feedback in the past that by sharing my story I have encouraged others who are in a similar place and feel stuck.
I don’t have any answers for you really, except to say, keep on trying to connect in any way you can.
My husband and I love to decorate together, which feels like a joint artwork.
Lately we have been doing some of this in the setting up of our apartment.
We have also started going for walks together every morning to our local cafes to walk the dog, and catch up on our days and discuss the world around us...mini dates if you will.
We also love just sitting together reading and occasionally sharing a quote or a laugh. We do have exactly the same sense of humour, when my autistic mind doesn’t get in the way! So that is a point of communion.
I suppose I would like you to take away from all of this, that there are ways to have a meaningful life together which is more than just brother and sister. It is a conscious way of being together, feeling our way into the other’s world and cherishing it...and them.
When I first came out as a lesbian (I had already suspected I was autistic), I was counselled to leave my husband and start again. But I had two children by then, I loved my husband and was compromised in my ability to support myself.
My beloved being the magnificently generous being he is, has stayed by my side. If I didn’t love him already, this alone would have made me melt.
I always knew he was kind to his animals and those vulnerable in his care, and so I should not have been surprised at his immense love.
This man is loyal to the core.
I have backed away slightly from taking a stand and announcing my identity to all and sundry as I did in the beginning. It’s a lot to take in, especially as I don’t seem any different from any other wives you would encounter on the surface.
I now am allowing that veneer to stand until I know you better and /or I am in a queer/disabled environment where they would understand.
My kids know my story and are really great advocates for gender and sexuality issues. I am proud of them. Hopefully they will grow to be men as wonderful as their Dad is!
This post has ended up being more of a love letter than I expected, and less of a personal story. But that is probably all I need to say right now.
If you have questions, I am happy to answer them.
Just leave a comment, or send me an email. If I am shouting into the void and no one is there, then that’s fine as well :-)
Til next time,
Keep on creating!
Lot of love,
Jazzy Jack
We're all complex and it's a mistake to reduce us to labels. Plus, one can be something and yet live an entirely different way. Many of us who are unconventional experience this. A full life isn't always available to us.
ReplyDeleteI applaud your candor here. We learn from others and you teach me stuff all the time by your words and example. They relate to much in my own life. So thanks!
What a compliment from one who studies and lives life so intensely. By the way, you give me courage that my 15 yr old will not end up a smear on the road as he pursues his motorcycle passion. Thanks!
Deletexo JJ
I am quite certain that your Sons have grown into the Amazing Men that emulate their Amazing Dad, good Men all of them! They had great Role Models. All of us are such complex Human Beings, some moreso than others and acknowledgement of our Authentic Selves can be quite the Journey, can't it? I know that I am a lot to take in too... winks... I'm sure many Labels can be affixed, but I do find that I refuse to define myself by any one of them. I remember once my Seriously Mentally Ill Adult Child mentioned 'being' their Illness and I asked, "So... is that ALL you are?" Of coarse it wasn't and that question drove Home that Truth, we are all so much more than our Gender, Sexual Orientation, Career Path, Race, Creed, Culture... a fantastic blend of all of it. The diversity being what is the most Beautiful thing to most of us... and for some, the hurdle they must try to get over if they can't handle the Variety of all of Creation.
ReplyDeletePS: I thought I would also add that those things Labeled as "Disabilities" can often just be 'differences' in "Abilities" really... many compensations actually occur when a person or even an animal transcends what could be seen as a "Disability".
ReplyDeleteYes I agree. I just use labels as an aid to communication so like minded people can find me. Not to be limited by them or feel a victim of them. I agree each label brings with it many strengths as well, and often they can all work together to create a super unique and interesting person. Thanks for your input! Xo JJ
DeleteChecking in, how is that Apartment coming along in the Decorating of it and settling in to it? I know this new Chapter is going to have so many Joys for you and your Lovely Family to experience. We're still enjoying our new Forever Home as much as one can during a Worldwide Pandemic. Oh how I Wish I could have enjoyed more time in it BEFORE Pandemic hit, it was so brief before all Hell broke loose with the Virus.
ReplyDeleteWe are doing really well thanks Dawn. I need to do an update. We have had a lifestyle change as Cris retired last week. Thanks for the prompt to do a new post. I will put it on my calendar!
DeleteThanks so much for checking in. It means a lot!
Xo JJ
This is a late comment and you might not even get this, but both my son and I have been diagnosed on the spectrum. It was great to read this. I'm still learning so much about it.
ReplyDelete