Genderqueerness


Well now you've all been so nice to me, I thought I might expose a little of my underbelly to you.
I want to talk about my gender journey...eek...run for the hills! you cry.
So for those few remaining, I will continue...(clears throat).

My name is Jack with male spelling, because about 6 years ago I started exploring my gender expression after I started feeling like only wearing men's clothing. Then when I decided to try women's clothing again I had panic attacks.

So I headed off into the unknown territory to explore. Apparently it's quite common for people with Aspergers to have an unusual relationship with their gender and their bodies.
I wore only male gear for many years, but the blandness and unoriginal content was wearing down my soul. It seemed I was caught between my desire for men's clothes and my desire to decorate. I realised that I didn't want to transition to male, and that I was happy being genderqueer.
Then I had an epiphany, realising that because I felt like I was in drag when wearing female gear wasn't a reason to not wear it. I also felt a bit conflicted because I hold the belief that men should be able to wear skirts if they like, and dress decoratively in soft fabrics and bright colours. So I went back into skirts with that mind set and eureka, no more panic attacks!
So if I sometimes dress in an over the top manner like I'm wearing a costume, it's probably because I am:-) and that's OK!

I love my name because it is one of the few masculine signs I still have. Although I shaved the bottom part of my hair yesterday ( bad choice when weather is cooling!) and that has brought back some edginess to my look, which I love.
Speaking of names, I invented a name for my kids to call me as well as Mum. They call me "Madé" which is pronounced mah-day. I chose this because it has creative connotations, also looks a little like ma and da, and reminds me of my grandma who was called "Mardi".

I also changed my wedding ring, from a gold and diamond fairly standard ring, to a wide silver band. Initially I was going to get a men's signet ring when we became engaged, but I tried on the ring we eventually bought and changed my mind.
I wish I had listened to myself back then :-(
Anyway, Bushy being the gorgeous person that he is, took my new ring and engraved inside it the word "True". Being true to myself and being true to him! I love it!

It's an interesting space to inhabit, having a male name and looking like I do. People are constantly taken aback and I'm learning not to feel embarrassed or have to over explain. It's my life, and my name. I'm not hurting anyone!

So there we are. Anyone else have this experience? Or played with their gender expression?

'Til next time, keep creating!
Jazz


3 comments:

  1. No, I cannot say that I do. I am, however, very aware that many things are on a spectrum or a continuum so genderqueerness makes total sense to me. We are all different and our own personal blend of traits. I am definitely quite female, though I don't particularly feel I am really girly. I am quite heterosexual though I do not get all squeamish and freaked out by others not being so. Be true to yourself, be happy, strive to cause no harm. That's the way I believe people should live their lives.

    You have quite a gem of a husband. Clearly you are well loved for just who you are and that is a very special thing. I can imagine what wonderful human beings you are raising and the difference your boys will make in the world as they move through it.
    xo

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    1. Thanks Shawna, that means a lot. Especially the bit about the kids. I showed The Artist your comment. He was quite chuffed!

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  2. Thanks for sharing your journey, in such a well written way. The who you are is very valued,loved and special.You add sparkle to the world in your Jack way to help the rest of us see things we would miss seeing or hearing. D&M

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If a topic has special significance for you, or touches you in some way, I'd love to hear your story! I will return the favour and we will gently touch hands across the miles...or kilometres :-)