2 June 2018

Optimising equals perfectionism


Greetings my beauties!

It's been awhile since I could find the energy to write. 
This year I've struggled to find resources within me to put finger to keyboard.
My year has been a busy one, with extra singing commitments and appointments to address health concerns. In order to encompass these within my schedule I've implemented new organisational tools, including a new phone with shopping list and calendar capabilities. 
You may know that with my Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)/Aspergers comes executive dysfuntion, which basically means organising myself is a nightmare. I thought adding more tools to my belt would be the answer.
I hunkered down and tried to muscle my way through using optimisation. Let me tell you friends, at least for me, this doesn't work!
I have found myself encountering tension headaches at every turn.
What to do?

We recently had a sublime two weeks holiday at our beach cabin which helped, but as soon as we returned home, it all started up again.
Hmmm....

Yesterday I had an epiphany! I realised how all my optimising and organising is making me (probably due to my ASD) fall down the rabbit hole of perfectionism. I find myself, due to my inherent perfectionism, trying to optimise the tiniest engagements. Should I have breakfast first, or shower, or yoga?
Each of these takes brain space, but more importantly, body 
energy. I am so totally trying to make my life organised and
streamlined that I am overthinking everything. That doesn't sound like me! Ha!

So now I have a few words written on my bathroom mirror to help me shift my mindset. Things like : effortless attention, play, liminal, practice mistakes, let go, it's ok.

Part of my problem is usually in the past if I let go and go with the flow I tend to become immersed in my projects so much that I forget to eat. There must be a middle ground somewhere. But I'm going to give it another go because it seems more healthy than tension headaches every day, and screaming at the world to quiet down, or sobbing in the corner when I am showering.
Currently, as in yesterday and today, I am trying to
be aware of when I am trying to optimise my life and just go with the first one I thought of. Not trying to pick the 
perfect opportunity, or the perfect time or the perfect situation. Letting go and flowing with the current sounds way more relaxing to me.
Of course this involves making mistakes and oh boy, being a dyed in the wool perfectionist, my system does not like making mistakes!

Also having such a reactive and sensitive system, when I do go out I need a day or two to recover, which makes everything take so much longer.
I really think I've bought into the hurry hurry culture more than I realised, and am having to rethink everything. 
Will it really hurt to take another week to get the lights fixed in our family room?
Can I take another week to get Aiden some new glasses so he doesn't have to stickytape his (glasses) arm on?Can the dentist wait another month, or am I being a bad mother?

Homeschooling has also played a role in all of this, as I try to work out what I can let go of so I can be present with my kids.

Of course then we have the whole artistic personality that rears its head, saying "what about me?"! This is the voice that I ignore at my own peril, but I do it constantly. Recently I've been finding it has been almost impossible to even think about.
So yesterday, when I started being aware of my thoughts, I decided to practise allowing the day to flow without too much optimising. Suddenly I had the urge to start a knitting project...which I did.
Creativity had been waiting for a relaxed moment to pop into my life. I was so glad to see her!
I've realised in a visceral way that

Stressing and creating are opposing forces.

Will I succeed in this new mindset? Asks my perfectionist self.
Well my new mantra is " I do not have to do it perfectly", and that includes relaxation and making mistakes and letting go. Because you know I will darn well give it a try!
So if you are stumbling over your to do list, or the appointments seem hard to summit, you might like to join me in my quest for flow and slow.

Which camp are you in? Do you fall prey to the optimising imposter?


17 comments:

  1. hello darling!
    so good to read you again.
    this post sounds familiar to me. but! i had to learn to let go years ago - i had a little atelier & shop (in berlin) for fashion and art and culture events, together with another girl. she was (is?) a painter. we started 2002 with aplomb and good reviews - only to learn shortly after that that she was pregnant. in the winter she gave birth to an extrem ill baby, almost not able to live. very very sad. and she could not work anymore.
    so there i was - with the business concept planned for 2 people. i worked my ass off. but the tension between being a business women, a saleswomen, a tailor and a genius designer (and a maid too) and all to PERFECTION OF CAUSE! tore me in pieces. my designs - the backbone of the shop - got worst. my health too.
    thankfully, in the beginning, i was that wise to just make a 2 years contract with the landlord, so i cold leave the shop behind in 2004. only 2 years but i aged 10 in this time.
    but i learned from this.
    as you do from your own experiences. i know how hard it is to overcome our programming. but you will succeed! because you´r a clever human being. and you have a very supporting family (other then me) - you only have to let them help you - be it just for little things and simple activities. if they don´t do it your way - anyway - enjoy the time you have for you, instead of thinking it could be more perfect :-D
    and you will see that by going with the flow - without getting lost of cause - you will accomplish a lot!
    i worked as a designer until 2010 - at my own pace with some success. only the huge change in the fashion marked has stopped me....... but it was a decision - not an accident - that i gave up and looked for new shores.
    and don´t fell in the rabbit hole - its a slow process and it will never be perfect!! ;-D
    i send you hugs and much love! xxxxxx

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    1. Oh Beate, it sounds like you had a rough time!
      And you really know what I'm talking about. I'm so glad you managed to ease off and find some peace.
      Thanks so much for your show of support. It means a lot.
      Hugs! Xo Jazzy Jack

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  2. I wrote a long comment but just in a moment it disappeared, sigh!
    Don't know, why -

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  3. Life is HARD. And when we add a compulsion toward perfectionism, we make it even harder. I let go of that impulse decades ago and found more productivity, not less. Most things in life are fine with 80% effort. I recognize that this is easy to say, hard to do; wishing you the best in finding your balance.

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    1. i seem to write these posts too often, but I want to keep it real, and help others who are also struggling to feel less alone.
      Thanks for your words of support.
      xo Jazzy Jack

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    2. I Love that Mantra of 'Most things in Life are fine with 80% Effort'... I am using this one now, Thanks for the gem of Wisdom my Friend!

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  4. Striving for perfection nearly destroyed me back in the bad old days of being a career girl. It's human nature to want to be the best at whatever we do but so much more can be achieved if we just crack on with the task in hand and not try and stress too much about how successful the outcome is.
    I'm glad your creative mojo made a comeback, it's great when inspiration strikes. xxx

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    1. "Just crack on" will be a new mantra. Love it!
      Hopefully I will write an update soon with a more positive note.
      Thanks for your input and care.
      xo Jazzy Jack

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  5. We truly feel for you as you work with a bow with super- multiple strings and creative ideas that just long to be used! Hugs are not very helpful but that's what we'd like to do. Our love and prayers are with you. Enjoy that knitting. M enjoys wearing your warm creations which have been admired. D&M

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  6. Perfectionism is a demon that robs us of creativity and joy.

    I often tell myself, "just do and don't think".

    I hope that you manage to find a solution that works for you.

    Suzanne

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    1. Yes, it's that over analyser that is the root of the problem, just as when you are making art and stop yourself creating too soon. " Just do and don't think" is another great mantra.
      Thanks!
      xo Jazzy Jack

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  7. Oh Jack what a profound Post this is! Finding Balance is something that often can be elusive for me too. I tend to be a perfectionist and the OCD is often in my way of just allowing things to Be as they are, imperfect, messy, whatever. I am Bipolar and so my extremes as I age have shifted, I used to be in the Mania phase almost always as a Younger Person, now that limitations have set in where I simply MUST slow down, rest, or cannot do what needs to be done, I struggle with the depression side of it moreso. I too just try to motivate myself and push thru without Medical intervention 'help' since that would be one more appointment scheduled in an already hectic life with a full calendar. The Man is the analytical one so I let him analyse for both of us, I'm more spontaneous, often at my own detriment actually. Finding solutions that work for us is indeed a Journey, may yours discover things that will assist you to maximize your Moments in only the most Positive and Uplifting of ways my Friend! Virtual Hugs.

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    1. I sometimes feel on the edge of bipolar. I really understand it.
      Thanks for sharing and for the hugs! Hugs back.
      xo Jazzy Jack

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  8. I'm glad you have had an epiphany over what it is that is making you harried. That's part of the battle really. YES- it is ok to make things take longer. I WISH my Dad and Stepmum would learn that. They are always so busy, busy, busy and seeking perfection!!! I wish that they would learn to take it more easy!!!
    Luckily,though I get stressed about things, I am more of the Laissez-faire camp, so it never gets to me too much!

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    1. Lucky lucky you! No wonder you manage your crazy life so well.
      Thanks for your comment.
      xo Jazzy Jack

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  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Oh Natascha! Your beautiful comment was accidentally deleted by my crazy fingers on my tiny phone. But I will say that I am glad you found your way clear and can be more you. Because you is gorgeous! xo jj

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