I am going to be very personal here, so please be kind.
Lately I have gone back to church, specifically Christianity. It kind of surprises me that it's all happened so quickly. Forgive me if I don't explain this well.
I grew up in a very religious environment. My parents were missionaries in Papua New Guinea with Missionary Aviation Fellowship, a wonderful organisation that flies people around the world especially in small hard to reach places. My Dad was an aircraft engineer. I lived there from the ages of 4 to 19, so my whole life was imbued with Christianity.
When we returned to Australia I went to University and then married, still keeping up with my Christian traditions. Around the time of my eldest son's birth we both decided to leave the church, and I found myself unable to believe the way I had growing up. So for quite a few years I remained outside the church but still searching for a way back.
One way I tried was when we moved to New Zealand, I joined a "happy clappy" church for a while and explored that philosophy. I wanted to see God at work and they claimed to see miracles all the time. I even joined the music group and played keyboard in the band. But it was not to be. I confessed some of my doubts to the Pastor and was ordered off the stage. Apparently the music leaders had to be extra believers or something. No doubts allowed. This soured me on the whole thing and I left the church again.
So from that time to this I have been away from the church, but underneath feeling a huge grief about it all. I was still subconsciously searching for a way back in. Every time I ended up in church for a singing performance or visiting family, it was like visiting someone's grave. It was all I could do to not burst in tears. Clearly something was not settled around my spirituality.
I tried investigating Buddhism and the tenets of yoga, but somehow always felt something was missing. I realised I was too indoctrinated with the concept of God being a friend, being family. I still instinctively went to pray during moments of stress, and then had to talk myself out of it. But at the same time I really didn't think I could believe all the weird and wonderful things Christianity brings. Could I believe in the actual virgin birth? Or the fact that God could live as a man? What about the resurrection? These are very fundamental truths to the faith!
So I muddled on still feeling there was more to this life than meets the eye and craving it. Until one day it occurred to me to have another look at a book I had read many years ago when I believed. Written by Kathleen Norris called "Amazing Grace", it is a study of all the hard words in Christianity and her take on them. I thought this might be a way to start. She herself had a similar story. She was raised in the church and then spent many years away, only to find herself being drawn back inexplicably. She is also a poet and I found her writing to be perfect for my needs and delight. Somehow in all this reading I realised that I didn't have to believe everything to be allowed back to church. I suppose I had been thinking it had to all be a done deal before you could enter into the worship service. It sounds a little crazy to me now, but maybe my New Zealand experience had put that thought in my head, or maybe just having grown up so convinced of it all I had no experience being the doubter in church.
Anyway, I started reading the Bible and praying, giving myself permission to see it as an outsider, and to experience it in whatever way I could. I found the experience to be liberating. Allowing myself to pray as I instinctively wanted to, and also allowing myself to question and disbelieve as I wanted to.
So currently I am going to a "high" Anglican church, which is similar to an Episcopalian church I gather. They do the incense and the robes and the processing etc. which I quite like. They are more liberal in their views on women and gender and sexuality. I can gently attend without great requirements being placed on me, and I'm finding it a lovely low key place to explore my faith. I don't go every week and they don't mind that. It also is where my choir performs as the music directors are based there, so that is convenient!
All in all I am so happy to be able to slide through the cracks in my belief system, through the stringent rules I somehow put on myself, to find a joyous mysterious expansive place beyond. My spiritual life looks different to anyone else's as we are all individual and will come to God in our own way, if at all. But I am so enjoying exploring beyond my physical senses in a poetic way.
I am continuing to explore Kathleen Norris' writings and others. Currently I am reading "Wearing God" by Lauren F. Winner talking about using uncommon names for God in the Bible to explore different ways to relate to God. I suppose I am drawn to the writers who write from a poetic mindset, exploring metaphor or who themselves have gone through a struggle or are marginalised in some way. But then again that is where I sit in my everyday life too!
So I hope you found this little story interesting and maybe enlightening too. I would love it if I could encourage one person to sit with their struggles and be gentle with themselves, to not give up and continue to explore.
I know there are people who read this who have no interest in Christianity or any faith, and that is absolutely your business. I am so not trying to convert anyone here. I am really just wanting to tell my story and in the process someone else may see themselves in me and be encouraged, as I am by the writers I am reading.
Here is a poem I wrote on this topic:
Poetry may give me
The way poems can be
Open ended
And using metaphors
Can create rich
And complex ideas
Is the way I could
Look at God
Not knowing all
The answers
Not believing
All the creeds
Not having everything
Black and white
But feeling my way
Through the beautiful
Cracks
There is a reason
God chose to speak
In parables
16/10/18
Okey dokey, I will leave it there.
Much love to you all,
Jazzy Jack
Thank you again for letting us see your heart...you have touched ours. Welcome to the journey
ReplyDeletewith its doubts and delights and prayer. We love the way you express your thoughts in your poem. Love D&M xxxx
Thanks for everything!
DeleteLove you, Jazzy Jack
thank you, dear jack, for being so open and for the last sentence (on top of the poem)!
ReplyDeleteinterestingly you describe my own way - only that i went into the other direction. did grew up far from church, but always was surrounded by people who went to protestant church and lived a protestant life. me as a tolerant and curios being went with, attended services, listened to the music etc.....
but it felt wrong.
when i moved into the woods 7 years ago i had many time to think. and i came to the idea that christianity is not for me and that a have to draw a consequent line if i want to be true to myself. my animistic self :-D
i´m still tolerant to people who go to church, mosque, temples - but i do not participate anymore in any way - i even cancelled x-mas and eastern from my calendar.... still searching for ways to celebrate the natures wonders without ending up at obscure groups ;-D
now its "raunächte" - the beginning of a new sun year - a silent beginning here in the north, with days slowly growing longer but the winter growing deeper and colder. its something cleaning in the air if one listens...
an idea is forming while i write this: the new year does not start with spring - its starting with winter. could this say something???
over to you - my poetic friend! xxxx
Thanks for sharing your story Beate! I suspect we are all accessing the same thing from various angles according to what feels right for us. I always think God/gaia/creator etc. is bigger than anything we can imagine!
DeleteOur Steiner school was very big on the seasons and we did enjoy their festivals.
Our new year starts with Summer! How crazy is that? But I like where you are going, with the soul of Winter sweeping the world clean as the sun grows on the horizon, peeping around the corner to see if all is ready yet?
You can tell the year was set out according to the northern hemisphere seasons. They never seem to make sense over here. Especially Christmas and Easter!
Oh well, we are not complaining in our outdoor carols and warm barbecues on the beach.
We also have school holidays during Christmas which wraps them together and makes it seem even more special.
xo Jazzy Jack
I am moved by your story.
ReplyDeleteWith so much turmoil in the world now, I am wondering if church attendance everywhere will go up as people seek sanctuary and community.
Your history is fascinating. I'm glad you've found a peaceful way to live with your beliefs now.
Thanks for your support Melanie.
DeleteI am moved you took the time to comment.
xo Jazzy Jack
The transparency of your personal Post on Faith and Spirituality was Beautiful. The Journey of Spirituality is indeed so very personal that everyone must connect in their own way that is most meaningful and enter into relationship with Him as they are most comfortable to be in relationship. All relationships are so complex so I've always viewed mine with God to be no different. I don't know the Mysteries and all the Answers so Questions still abound, even with deep Faith. I've had a similar experience to you about Organized Religion anyway, many experiences with different ways of Worship, but always the deep Desire TO WORSHIP and have interaction with my God. I had to Smile about the Choir experience and the Extra Believer possible mandate... at least you kept your sense of humor about it and didn't allow it to hinder your Faith Walk and Journey on your personal Spiritual experience. So many give up, give in or give out when they have 'Religious' negative experiences and that is so very sad... the flaws of Mankind just show up even in Religious Practice unfortunately. Merry Christmas and I'm so Happy you are finding ways to be at Peace with the Journey you are on with God.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your kind comment Dawn. I knew you would understand!
Deletexo Jazzy Jack
Merry Christmas to you and yours:)
ReplyDeleteHow good, that you found your own way back!
Sorry, that I come so rare to visit and comment, I have just a fulltime job with the care for my 92years old mother...
Same here Mascha!
DeleteThanks for your comment. Hope you and your mother have a lovely Christmas together.
xo Jazzy Jack
Thank you so much for sharing this! I am so glad you took the time to write it. In my humble opinion, I think that the thing we often forget that is that God wants us to come to him just as we are- not with some preconceived idea of 'I must be like this', 'I must believe all these things'. When I become worried about my journey with God I do try to remember that though I fail in so so many ways, and worry about how God sees that, I remember that I still believe and trust in him.
ReplyDeleteWow, what was it like to grow up in Papua!