I am reading a book about being vulnerable called "Scary Close" by Donald Miller. It is a quick flowing easy read, and yet packs such a punch.
I have been so conflicted about my blog and internet commitments as you know. It seems every post I write lately has been about how to streamline my life and use my energy more wisely.
I felt my blog added too much pressure to my days and I was lacking in inspiration. I felt like I'd said the same thing over and over and I was judging myself.
My perfectionist inside was standing up and pointing out the less than perfect photographs, or the repetitive subject matter, or the lack of comments. Every time I wrote something it didn't seem important enough or life changing enough to share with the world.
"Who am I to be telling this to the world?" or "Who wants to hear about my week?"were some of the phrases besides many others that flowed through my brain.
But in the midst of reading this book I've been convicted with my judging attitude towards myself. And so I would like to continue writing and showing my warts and all. I will share my imperfect poetry and my random sewing adventures. You will see my videos that are not really very professional but just home movies for my kids to enjoy in the future.
I will share myself with you in short and long ways. There will be no rhyme or reason, and I will give myself permission to have no readers at all!
This is all to help me learn to be vulnerable and to turn down the volume of my internal judge. Ultimately I want to connect with love and grace to myself and those around me. But I am so good at writing scripts of how things should work out that I struggle to let go and let it flow.
I want to feel the words and life and love flow through me.
This last week I have been mostly resting and unable to join in family activities too much because I am singing in a carol service on
Sunday. Somehow my ultra sensitive autistic system has become overactive, and I have had a couple of meltdowns during practices. So now I feel like my life is on hold until Sunday night. This is not fun!
Maybe I can let go a little, and instead of holding myself tight to every perfect note and every perfect moment, I can allow the music to flow through me. Maybe I can let go and not require perfect relaxation?
Of course even being vulnerable can become a stance and an act to perfect.
We'll see :-)
How do you cope with this? Have you had similar thoughts?
Thanks for reading and hopefully we can connect again sometime.
I leave you with my latest creation to celebrate 100 years since the end of World War 1.
My dog statue has a new poppy necklace!
Love,
Jazzy Jack
Lovely to read your words! I'm glad that you decided to share them!
ReplyDeleteObviously, I also think (many times) that my opinions or blog are not life-changing. It's human nature to think this way. However I'd feel happy if my blog puts a smile on somebody's face, even more happy if it helps to other people to feel more comfident and creative. When I feel frustrated or sad on my own incompetence, then I keep focused on the beauty of imperfect things, on how much I enjoy making them and how much I learn from it. Dealing with perfectionism is a hard work!
Lovely poppies too!
besos
Your lovely blog posts would put a smile on any face!
Deletexo Jazzy Jack
i really hope that this will last!!
ReplyDelete<3
around the 2000s i started (with professional help back then!) to keep my inner judge and the perfectionist at bay...... thankfully i got better & better with that over the years. still have throwbacks, of cause.
i know IF i let those 2 vampires grow to big i loose all my energy for life.
i even make me a challenge to be us un-perfect as i can be - i.e. "acting like normal people"
;-DDD
you sing like an angel! there is absolutely no need to worry. and even if you miss a note or two - most people cant hear it, they simply do not have your very sensitive ears :-D
AND! your *imperfect poetry and ... random sewing adventures* actually help me to battle my own ghosts - your creations may be not perfect, but they are very beautiful in their roughness & honesty - real art if you will.
you are great role model for me and i missed your creative postings.
bittersweet poppies!
xxxxx
Thankyou my sweet. You are very kind. I enjoy your creativity as well.
Deletexo Jazzy Jack
Lovely to hear from you. I love your tribute to the end of WW1 and hope the singing goes brilliantly.
ReplyDeletePerfect's dull - imperfection is far more interesting. xxx
Yes, I am hanging on to the interesting imperfections for dear life. Thanks for your encouragement!
Deletexo Jazzy Jack
Thank you for sharing your journey which we see as very courageous knowing your sensitivities and your internal struggle. You are showing a humility in showing yourself. Your idea of letting the music flow through you works. You have so much music in you it even seeps out when you don't know !!! We were told by a wise man that failure enables us to understand other people who fail more and we learn from it...and in our long lives we have found that true.
ReplyDeleteD speaking, also a perfectionist, " I have found that I had unrealistic expectations of myself which were frustrating me too. Trusting God's guidance has helped me." Just know we love you no matter what. Irene just rang and she sent her love too. D&M